Trying to Conceive: A Lesson in Waiting
If you read my post, “Believing God,” you know that my husband, Josh and I have a daughter but are praying dearly and daily for more children.
Let me start by saying to you men and women out there that want kids and have had to wait for many years or haven’t been able to have children of your own at all, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you and I absolutely know I am blessed to have a child already and that our time spent waiting doesn’t compare to so many others out there. Also, I am so happy for you families out there that are able to conceive without issue, I really truly am. I wouldn’t wish this struggle on anyone.
Children are such a blessing! I’m not sharing my heart today to say that our situation is in any way harder than anyone else’s, but as I continue to open my life and its various trials and joys to you, I hope you can join me in the understanding that while someone out there ALWAYS has had a worse situation than we have in one respect or another, this doesn’t make our own trials any less of a burden. Please understand I am not trying to sound ungrateful, I know that I am blessed in more ways than I can count.
That being said… this is still hard.
My 32nd birthday came and went, and Josh is now 38. Many people would say that there is plenty of time to still have more children and we do hope this is the case, yet we feel rushed. There are a variety of factors that contribute to this feeling but I’ll only mention a few.
When my daughter, who will turn 3 in March, was just 5 months old I contracted Lyme Disease. The first year after that was REALLY hard. I’ve spoken a bit about this in, “Under Attack” and “Meet Kristi,” but we didn’t know that it was Lyme until roughly a year later, because not long after the symptoms began I had been diagnosed with, and begun treatment for Multiple Sclerosis (MS).
I am currently doing leaps and bounds better than I was even a year ago, but my doctors have told me I’m at greater risk for a relapse after labor and delivery of subsequent children and that this risk increases with my age.
We struggled with whether or not we should try for more for awhile, but knew we would regret it if we didn’t at least try. We’ve always pictured a house full of kids and know our daughter, Kensington, would make a wonderful big sister. Josh has a sister and I have four other siblings- 3 sisters and a brother, and Josh and I just always wanted Kensington to grow up with at least one other sibling, preferably more and preferably without too large of an age gap. My ovarian follicles (related to the number of viable eggs you have left, which naturally decrease with age) have begun their decline, and I’ve struggled with ovarian cysts and mild endometriosis in the past.
The devil bombards me with all those frustrating little worries about the extra difficulties we could face after 35.
My best friend’s husband looks at her and she gets pregnant.
Well-meaning friends and family often ask, “So when are you going to have more kids?”
People who don’t even want children or aren’t trying are suddenly pregnant.
I go to baby showers, birthday parties, the library, swim class, and my uterus aches when I see those beautiful, swollen, God-blessed bellies or children running around, playing, fighting, hugging, or holding hands with their sibling.
I know in the grand scheme of things we’ve only been trying again for just under a year and a half. It’s just that it happened so quickly with our first pregnancy that each month that goes by cracks my armor a little more. It doesn’t help that for years I have had a 28 day on-the-dot cycle with predictable symptoms, and suddenly this year I’m having cycles from 23 days on to 32. The start of the short cycles always fools me into thinking it’s implantation bleeding and the long ones always make me think I’m “late.” I’m having new symptoms with my cycle too, that of course mimic pregnancy and add to the false hope each month, just to be crushed when I realize I’ve counted my eggs before they’ve hatched again… literally.
It’s difficult, isn’t it? Wanting something so bad and not understanding why you can’t have it?
So how do we make it through these periods of waiting? How do we stave off the bitterness, worries and lies that each new month allows to seep in?
Join me next week for Step 1 in a six part series of how to deal with the struggle when God has told you to wait.
You can do this. We can do this. We can do ALL things through Christ who gives us strength.
Are you struggling with trying to conceive? Or has God asked you to wait in another area of your life? How has God shown you personally that His timing is best?
Hang in there,